By Sri Swami Sivananda
Forty five pp.
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Additional info for Amrita Gita [ The Song of Immortality ]
I recognized some of them who had gone on to play in the NHL. After listening to him talk about hockey all day and seeing the way he was treated by the men and players -33 - Playing for the Winnipeg South Blues, the second of Graham's teams that I played for. -34- around the rink, I knew he was an important man. The pictures on the wall just drove that point home more. I was thrilled to be with him. I didn't want to screw things up, and because he'd been so open and caring with me, I wanted him to like and respect me.
My parents reluctantly went along with him. I moved down to Winnipeg at the end of the summer into Graham's apartment. This meant that I wouldn't be playing with Troy anymore, which meant one less person for me to confide in. Graham's power over my life was now complete. That year was another nightmare. The abuse continued as before. My school attendance was spotty at best and my grades even worse. I was drinking even more. I was already carrying a load of shame and guilt and fear from my father.
Since there was no point resisting Graham, I just tried to get the sex over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. When it was happening, I would imagine that I wasn't in body anymore. I was somewhere on the ceiling or floating around -38- the room, aware that something terrible was happening but not really to me or my body. This is a skill that every abuse victim learns quickly—to emotionally leave the scene of the crime before the worst happens. It works in the short term, but only later would I learn how much this ability to not be present in my own life would destroy any chance of intimacy with anybody, especially with the people who really wanted to help me.